I desperately, maybe even too much wanted to enjoy and love this time.
But I didn’t succeed at all. I tried to love the people that in my picture of the world I should love and enjoy talking with them. I tried to enjoy the sun and the unbearable heat. l tried to drown out the sounds of explosions with the sound of the sea. When I got home I believed that I had succeeded. Now I opened the photos that I took there and I see nothing but a very heavy load a pain that probably has no reason or name. And what it was I can understand only now by rereading the notes and looking at the pictures that I took there and remembering more along the way. Big is seen from a distance. Through time and space.
Now I see.
Someone and somewhere some time ago did something what made me nothing.
Easier to love the dead. They can’t say no. Their memory belongs to no one. Thoughts about them are not divided into fantasy and truth.
I want to live with loved ones simply and in love. Don’t wait forever for something bad. I want to love good people not dead people.
To work a simple job and live a simple life. Give birth to healthy happy children. Be sad at a funeral but the next day return to a simple life happy children and a kind husband. And die so easily and with joy on the same day with my husband. And know that everything will be fine after me.