The thing is, I think I can write and come up with a whole world of ideas and stuff when writing about myself: my life, my dreams, my joys and my sorrows. But when I actually sit down and try to pen it down, nothing ever really shows up. It boggles me. It really does. But then I guess I don’t really have a lot of things to talk about. I mean, at the end of the day, I’m still only a twenty year old university-attending kid (not so much nowadays, obviously). I’m just another one of those boys who’ve been thrust into studying subjects he doesn’t want to; books he doesn’t enjoy reading. It’s a pretty sad life, if I may say so. I mean at least till this moment, I don’t really know what I wanna do. My parents are pretty confused too. They don’t know what to do either.
I guess what they say is true: “You’re lost, boy.” Indeed, I am.
These days, what I do is, I watch an insane amount of films every single day. And it’s not just limited to the American big-budget blockbusters – in fact, I hardly watch Hollywood – I see pretty much everything I can possibly lay my hands on: Taiwanese films, films from Iran, John Woo action flicks, German Expressionism; you name it and it’s highly probable that I’ve already seen it. Anyway, my point is, since I’m so horribly lost and all, I spend a pathetic amount of time watching films. It was all during this fine endeavour that I first came across Wong Kar-Wai’s “Chungking Express.” The film was alright. It was pretty dope. But what really struck my imagination (crucially) was this one protagonist from the movie: Faye.
To tell you the truth, I kinda fell head-over-heels for this girl, Faye. I mean, I really did. I crushed on her so badly, it’s pathetic. But why shouldn’t I?
So she’s this sweet and bubbly twenty-ish waitress in a late-night fast-food centre, and she’s also ridiculously good at her job – cleaning the place and serving food. She’s very attractive and most importantly, she keeps listening to The Mamas And The Papas’ “California Dreaming” all the time on a loudspeaker. I mean, when I say “all the time”, it is indeed ALL THE TIME. She says “it keeps her from thinking so much.” She’s right, of course. Trick your mind; that’s the trick.
Interestingly, it also tells us one of the more important aspects about her: her dream. No prizes for guessing. Yes, the dream is to visit California. Oh, by the way, she’s from Hong Kong.
Now if I think about it clearly, I think the reason why I like Faye so much is probably due to the fact that she’s so much like me. I mean, looks aside – I’m ugly; she is the prettiest – I did find some similarities between the two of us. Of course, one of them (and the major) reason is that we share the same discontentment for our surroundings. It’s not like the things around me suck so bad; it’s not that bad honestly. But like she comments in the film, “I had to know whether it’s sunny or rainy in California,” I too have to know if things get any better from this absolute nadir of life I find myself in. She wanted to go to California. I want to go and see Hong Kong. That’s my dream. I know it sounds stupid. But really, that is it.
Like I said before; my parents don’t really understand. I mean, all I do the entire day is sit in the bad with the laptop open in front of me, watching films, reading books, playing video-games. They probably think I’m a good-for-nothing. I don’t think they’re wrong though; they’re right. Right now, I’m in fact a good-for-nothing. I won’t be denying that. But what I sometimes really feel like doing is going up to them and blaming all my shit on them. They are to be blamed (partly) in all honesty. I mean, I didn’t go around specifically insisting on studying engineering – in fact, I clearly stated that I didn’t wanna do it – and now, when things aren’t being very easy for none of us, they make me take all the blame?
Guess what though? I’m twenty now, and I’m old enough to stand up to them. I mean,at the end of the day, I’m the one who is living my life. Why the hell should I listen to what others think about me? I don’t give a fuck now to be very honest. What I think now is that one’s personal happiness and satisfaction is what is of the utmost importance. You can take whatever suggestions and criticisms others have for you and do stuff what they want you to do, and I don’t think you’ll ever be happy if you do that. Sure, things might get comfortable for you. But what about fulfillment? You think you’ll get that if you only listen to what others have to say? I don’t think so. And I don’t I’ll be listening to them anytime soon either.
I won’t be pushed around. I will not let others dictate my life. I’ll only do what I please; whatever makes me happy. I have been so depressed and so very sad for way too long now. It’s time to grow out of my disillusionment and live the life I dream of (it’s gonna be very difficult though) living. I am gonna stand up and take notice of my own aspirations. What I eventually plan to do is make a living out of things I genuinely enjoy doing. I have realized that what they say is in fact the truth: “Life is too short to be doing something you don’t enjoy.” I am gonna stick by my guns now, no matter how challenging the road is. I choose to live. And I choose to live happy.
But then again, I don’t really know what I wanna do. Or wait; maybe I do know what I am talking about. I think I just wanna enjoy life. Doing that, I wouldn’t mind visiting places I want to visit; like Hong Kong. I just want to enjoy the smallest things, and the little moments. I want to be free. I want to be happy. I wanna feel content. I want to be satisfied. I want fulfillment. I want to live life. I choose to live life.
I’ll do all that, maybe after another two years or so, when I’m actually done with this stupid BTech degree.
No shit, I gotta follow my dream.
NOTE: All the pictures were taken in my hometown of Calcutta, India, before the global-lockdown.